What I am sure about though, is that she is not fighting. She has barely eaten anything for the past week...a yogurt, perhaps a soft-boiled egg, a quarter slice of toast, some cereal and milk. This has been the maximum she has eaten every day.
Today i tried her with some granola, some toast and margerine (cut into small points)...and nada. We are telling her she must eat to keep strong. Yet everything we suggest she refuses.
And then this evening she "spilled the beans"....she told me how her own mother basically starved herself to death. My grandmother, apparently, had been incontinent for a while, and got tired of it. When her doctor told my mom that her mom needed to eat, my mom made her a soft-boiled egg, but my grandmother refused to eat it. Eventually she died. I know my mom is desperate with the pain. And now she is not eating.
I am heartbroken. And feeling guilty. I am feeling guilty over the years that we weren't close friends, the years that I have always been on her case because of her house, because of her naievity (sp?), because of her worries. I am feeling guilty over the many Friday nights that she didn't sit with us at out table, even though she was just next door. I am feeling guilty that it is my fault that she is in such trouble now: that I should have taken her to a doctor earlier, even when I thought that it was "just" a little muscle pain.
My mom has always been so nervous about her health. The slightest little ache or bump, and she would be sure that she had cancer. And she doesn't tolerate others' pain either. She worries to the point that she doesn't want to know. (Here is where I should relate stories about the birth of Oded, but won't at this moment.) At this point, she sees her situation as hopeless and not worth fighting for.
I am not sure where to go from here in this entry. So I shall just stop.
