Support Group
screwed-up Yesterday at 02:25 PM #1
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hi. I have just joined this board because I am interested how others are coping.
My mom is 85 years old. Up till June 2008 she was in pretty good spirits. She was pretty independent and lived in a granny flat. We didn't really interact that much as she worried about her own cooking, etc. even though she didn't want a cleaning lady and her house was pretty dirty (but that is not the point anymore).
In June, she fractured a vertebrae (osteoporosis) and was in a great deal of pain for a long time. Mostly I worried about dealing with the pain for her, and running always to fill prescriptions for her, getting her wheelchairs, taking her to clinics/doctors, etc. A number of times she was hospitalized at a geriatric hospital for short-term. There was some question of doing this bone cement, and finally that was decided it was not a good idea, and she was just on treatments of injections, etc. and I could say that her back has healed.
The problem is that her body overall has deteriorated and all her problems i feel are my fault. I don't worry the way i should about taking her to exercises, or doing exercise with her, and I just "tell her" she must do these things, and left it up to her, and i should have knowm she won't/can't on her own, because she has no willpower. She has a caregiver come daily (5 days per week X 2 hours) who, my idea was that she, should do the exercising with her, but mostly it is just a BIT of walking, and too much sitting. I know I am not assertive enough in making sure the caregiver works on exercises with her.
The only time that there is an exercise class for her available at local clinic is on the day that i am gone all day studying. Taking her anywhere is a big pain due to how slowly she moves. She has always been "anti-exercise"...anything that gave her muscle pains, she would not do. Her whole life (as opposed to people who "relish" the pain of muscles working, as I do...and i could never understand this in her, including her dislike for massages, etc.)
A few weeks ago, she developed some sores on her leg. First, she said because she was picking at her skin, but when i took her to the dr. to look at them, i discover they are ulcers and that is why they are not healing. I never knew about these things. She has congestive heart failure and i never really knew that these ulcers are a result of that and that i should be on the lookout. They are awful and ugly and I can't bear to look at them, they make me sick. But they are getting worse and I am afraid of the end results.
Overall, i think my mom has gotten very depressed in the last 6 months, and i should have taken her to get some treatment for this. Maybe this is the whole reason for all this, yet I just now am getting to finding a geriopsychologist to make an appointment (and it takes time).
Yesterday (Friday) my sister, who lives a 5 min walk away, but works full times, and comes to visit once, maybe twice a week, came to "do exercise with mom" and had her do some walking and stretching exercises. Last night was a nightmare; at 3 am my mom woke me up to come to her room. She was shivering and moaning ...maybe a panic attack? All day today she is moaning and saying her legs and back hurt. Perhaps my sister overworked her a bit too much?
Unfortunately, when my sister phoned this evening, instead of being diplomatic, I yelled at her how she comes once in a week, and I have to deal with the aftermath. Stupid me. So of course, my sister accused me of not doing enough exercise with my mom and at least she tried, and my way will just result in a "blob of human jelly" her words. But she is right, but I still hung up on her...! (I am sometimes a real undiplomatic bi**h: guilty as charged.)
This is a real vent post....i am feeling very guilty and I feel I have been awful and too negligent. I see my mom just turning so old so quickly. It is very hard and very sad. I think, for months, i have been denying the fact that I must change my attitude and I have to change my role in her life.
Thanks for the opportunity to express myself, to some people who can identify with me.
I am 52, by the way and I work only part time (teaching).
LY
Dustygirl01 Yesterday at 03:04 PM #2
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Hello and welcome...does your mom still live in the AL or is she now living with you? I think it's a bit unreasonable for you to be the one who has to work with your mom everyday with her exercises. I agree, the home health aid can be doing this. Personally, I'd be leary doing exercises with someone who has congestive heart failure. What if she went into heart failure when you were alone with her doing her exercises?
Marathon Woman Yesterday at 03:19 PM #3
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Welcome, screwed-up, to the board. Welcome to the host of caregivers who screw up, say things they immediately regret, don't do everything they could possibly do for their elders, and, most of all, feel guilty regardless of what we do. OK, there may be one or two members who, reading your story, said, 'my goodness, how could she have possibly done that?.' Oh, no, those were folks who realized they were on the Eldercare Board and they meant to be on the Miss America Fingernail Polish Advisory Board.
I know you are just spilling your guts and don't need any advice. Please join us for support and cheerleading or whatever you need. We all KNOW what you're going through.
Redneck Yesterday at 06:01 PM #4
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Hello and Welcome !!!
Whether your 'name' means that you think you 'screwed-up'...or that you think you ARE 'screwed-up'...you have found some kindred-spirits here.
Rest assured there isn't much that someone here hasn't experienced, done, tolerated, seen, tried, heard, felt, said and/or screamed... so please feel right at home with us. Vent and visit anytime, day or night.
SheilaJ Yesterday at 06:13 PM #5
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Welcome, screwed-up. I like your screen name. I think all of us here feel like that much of the time.
My MIL is 85 and also has congestive heart failure. She lived on her own until March, 2008, when she was hospitalized because the CHF got out of control and then we put her into an assisted living facility. The nasty sores, the exhaustion, the incredibly slow walking, and the depression are all things that she has too. I think they are a pretty typical part of the disease, and there is not a whole lot you can do about them, so please don't feel guilty.
People with CHF just go downhill and get frailer and frailer. Combine it with additional medical problems and they go downhill faster. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! And you can't fix it, no matter how much you would like to
MIL's doctor told her she should go to the morning exercise class at the AL every day. She never even tried it. At first, she decided to walk around the hallways and grounds for exercise, but she gradually got too tired out for that too.
You cannot MAKE them exercise, or MAKE them do anything else that might be good for them. And if she's never liked to work out, she's not going to start enjoying it now, I can guarantee that.
Redneck Yesterday at 07:33 PM #6
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My mom had CHF, as well. While astoundingly "healthy" otherwise...[she almost never had a cold, the flu, etc. she 'never' was 'sick'].....she did experience the relentless exhaustion, the weakness...the decline, becoming more frail and feeble...very quickly.
I just now am wondering about what you're mentioning as "depression". My mom remained pleasant, not negative and was always excited about and interested in her "kids"; but she did lose interest in several things she always loved: her yard, etc. She just said she "didn't have the heart for that anymore". And I am wondering if "heart" was "heart" literally. That likely was from the CHF...she did not have the strength nor energy for what she loved to do. She did try walking around the house "to keep up her strength and stay on-her-feet" [the BIG goal to her]...but our hospice-nurse advised not-to-push, because it would do no good after a point. It only exhausted her...no benefits.
Sorry. I'm just rambling. Perhaps others will come in with more observations about CHF.
rosie Today at 02:06 AM #7
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screwed-up - it is hard to get elders to exercise when they don't want to or aren't really up to it, so don't feel guilty about it. My dad is now 95 and has pretty much lost most mobility except for a slow shaky stagger;he gets around a little bit but not much. I don't sweat the issue.
As for the ulcers - there are various treatments for these; no doubt your doctor has goneinto that with you. Dad developed some nasty sores on one ankle which would not heal; after trying a number of things I started using Bactigras, which is a paraffin based gauze dressing which you apply then cover with a light cotton bandage. I have found it to be very good.
The thing to establish is if the wounds are actually ulcers or if they are from some injury, however slight, that has not healed. If they are true ulcers then they need to be treated as such, but if not, then the dressing I describe and sometimes antibiotics, will heal them. Anyway keep consulting your doctor about them.
You may find, as I am now, that the care of your elder is gradually becoming more than you can medically handle, in which case your mother may need nursing home care.
not-so-screwed anymore Today at 10:21 PM #8
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Dear All,
I thank you all for your answers. If I believe in a higher being guiding my life, he/she/it guided me to this list Sat. evening for a reason.
My mom passed away in her sleep, perhaps even at the very moment I was writing my post. I found her at 1:30am, when I was going up to bed, and went in to check on her.
In most ways, it is a relief that she is out of her misery, because, yes, she had been very miserable these past 6 months, and perhaps for even much longer, dealing with the pills, the gradual decline, the fear of being hospitalized, etc. Just now, lying in bed, I was wondering if I were "guilty" of not worrying about getting her treatment for depression earlier on. Then i got up and found your posts. And I realized, that depression pills or not, she was on her way out.
I still have many regrets and the major one is that I don't think I did enough to make her feel loved and wanted and appreciated. Yes, appreciated, that as a single mother with two young kids, she took life in her hands, started to work, supported and educated us. She was, for the most part, so optimistic (I always thought - so naive...LOL). She packed up her house and made a new life for herself at the age of 60, when her two daughters left Canada and moved to Israel (where we live now). She was never in AL; 10 years ago, we built a new house adjoining our own and turned the old small house into a wonderful granny flat for her. I know how much she was happy living next door to us, close to us and her grandchildren. It was she who started my son on his music (taught him piano).
Loved...I didn't tell her nearly enough that I loved her. I was mostly annoyed with her, for so many little stupid things. Of course, in the last 6 months, I was annoyed with her for not getting better. How stupid is that? How can you be annoyed with someone for that? I truly thought that my "annoyance" would help spur her on to a change. It probably just made her feel miserable. So, I am very sorry for that.
I am so glad that Thursday morning, we spent a few hours playing card games together, something we hadn't done in a long time. Friday evening, that "panic attack"? - maybe it was her heart finally giving way. Should I have taken her to the hospital? I am glad I didn't. I am glad that I fulfilled her request, and sat near her until 6am, when I finally went to bed. I hope she died peacefully, ready to meet her husband who she lost 44 years ago, happy to know that her two daughters and 4 wonderful grandchildren are all happy, healthy and successful.
I am relieved that she will not have to suffer the indignities of hospital care, of tubes, and needles and "unfeeling" nurses (I know they care, but they have lots of patients, and it takes time for them to respond!); of the fear of not knowing what is happening next. I was deathly afraid of those ulcers on her legs (yes, ulcers, and she had special dressings) and I think she was even more so.
I could go on and on, but enough. Thank you all for the support, that is precious to me. And, p.s. go tell your parents that they are appreciated!)
LY
florence Today at 10:41 PM #9
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so sorry about you mother but just know you did every thing you could to make her last days as comfortable as possible cherish that card game it is A very special memory
and know we are here if you ever need a shoulder to lean on
2nd kathy Today at 10:47 PM #10
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LY,
Your mom knows you loved her, she knows your regrets and she is sure to be telling you not to worry...she knew you loved her. Those card games you played with her were a gift..a last minute moment of closeness. Hold onto that and no you couldn't have made her do what she just did not want to do. Pull on the good memories, let go of the regrets...she is sure to be happier now and loving you still. We can not all be perfect and we all do not do everything we later feel we should have. We can love but cannot be responsible to make someone do something. Just your nearness conveyed to her your love. Search your memories for happier days and dwell there.
Molly-Tx (sorry for death Today at 10:54 PM #11
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Screwed
So sorry for the death of your mom.
But, I am glad that she is now at peace.
You were a good daughter...I think that the most caring
children of the elderly are on this board.
Best wishes to you.
